


The Journal of Merimyn Keth, Last Dragonborn and Certifiable Madwoman

by Ellenar_Ride



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Bloodline!verse, Gen, Mod: The Forgotten City, Mod: The Kids Are Alright, Originally Posted on Tumblr, journal fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 07:47:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 9,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19848718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellenar_Ride/pseuds/Ellenar_Ride
Summary: Meri has never been to Nirn before, and if she had her way, she wouldn't be there now. But prophecies are tricky things, and Mama said to stay here until everything is resolved. If only mortals weren't soboring!





	1. Last Seed, 17th, 4E 201

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posting of the journal kept by my Last Dragonborn from my Bloodline 'Verse, mostly for archival purposes. More details can be found on the au tumblr, TESBloodline.

"Go explore Mundus," Mama said. "It'll be good for you," Mama said. "Life experience builds character," Mama said. Then she shoved this book in my hand, spun me around, and I woke up in this inn room. She'd _better_ have covered my bill. :(

What in _Oblivion,_ Mama. I know Tamriel is a huge part of my heritage, but why did you send me to _Skyrim?_ Shouldn't it have been Morrowind or Cyrodiil? Or is there something else going on here? Something you're not telling me about? ... Why am I even _trying_ to understand you? You're unknowable by design. You love me; that should be enough.

Apparently, I'm in a city called Riften. I've been... contracted... to talk to a man called Sibbi Black-Briar in the jail and get a horse for a guy. Should be entertaining.

Oh, and I found a minion to drag along with me! An Imperial mage, his name's Marcurio. He's actually the first person I talked to on Nirn. Did you have a hand in that? You _did_ send me off with the exact amount of gold I'd need to hire him.

I can't shake the idea that there's more going on here than I know. Not that it's necessarily malicious; for all I know, you decided you wanted grandchildren and sent me off to fraternize with mortals in the hopes I'd find one I like sometime this century. Good luck with that, Mama, I'm still not interesteed.

Ah, gotta go. Minion's getting impatient and I've got stuff to do.

Love you,

Meri


	2. Last Seed, 18th, 4E 201

Okay, the horse has been delivered. It was really, _really_ pretty, so I was kind of tempted to just keep it, but it was a little too conspicuous for that, I think. Let the guy who wanted it get caught for it. Oh, and I got paid! Literally the same amount as I paid Minion to come with me, but who's counting? Oh, and speaking of Minion - apparently he's not as fond of jumping off cliffs as I am. Oh well. He'll catch up eventually.

Okay, so today has been a _really_ weird day, and I can't believe you had _no_ hand in it. First off, Minion and I found a chicken necromancer. No, not a chicken that practices necromancy (though that would be amazing), a necromancer raising chickens from the dead. _Then_ we ran into an alchemist and his pet Chimera. Just, _what?_ Minion officially earned a rename to Sparky in that fight - he kept hitting _me_ with Chain Lightning as well as the Chimera. He can have his real name back when I've gone a month without being struck by lightning.

Oh, and _then_ we ended up in Haemar's Shame, and I thought I remembered something about a shrine in there, so we went exploring. Sparky insisted it was a one-way ride to death, but you won't let _me_ die, and I won't let _him_ die, so it was fine. So we went inside, and there's this vampire clan. Fine, they tried to kill me, so I murdered them all. Pretty standard stuff. The _not_ standard part? A little ten-year-old vampire who suddenly has no parents. Yeah, I didn't notice she was there until the others were already dead. Her name's Violet, but I call her Petals. She came with Sparky and I; she seemed pretty excited to see something other than the inside of a cave. So we do all of that nonsense, and when we find the shrine, Nunca Vic won't even talk to me! Talk about _rude!_

Ugh. Anyway, I gotta go. Life things are happening.

Love you,

Meri


	3. Last Seed, 19th, 4E 201

Okay, so, while I was in Riften the innkeeper mentioned I'd want to check out Helgen at some point, yeah? So we finally get there, and it's been burned to the ground. And under the town, in a cave system, I find this injured guy. I agreed to help him to Riverwood, because I'm just _great_ like that, and as soon as I get there I'm saddled with two new jobs: go to Bleak Falls Barrow to get a golden dragon claw back for the shopguy, and go to Whiterun to tell whats-his-name in Dragonsreach that Helgen is crispy and dragons are responsible. Guess which one of those I decided to do first?

Yeah, the barrow. It sounded like more fun! Of course, it's times like these I've just gotta ask: _what in **Oblivion.**_ So just inside the actual barrow, I find this bandit camp. Normal, right? How about the half-dozen draugr that have killed the entire camp? To be fair, they _did_ manage to take down all but one of the draugr, but still. So I kill the last draugr, and what do I find? A little injured Nord boy dressed like a bandit. Do I just attract orphaned children?! So yeah. I have another duckling now. I'm not just gonna leave a little kid alone in a place like this. His name's Jens, I'm calling him Goldie. I hope you're amused, Mama.

Also, I'm _fairly_ certain draugr are _not_ supposed to travel in _packs._ As if the half-dozen terrorizing Goldie's camp weren't bad enough, we just got past a hallway full of swinging axe blades, and we get ambushed by fifteen of them! How can draugr even ambush _anything?_ They're not exactly _stealthy!_ Anyway, I found the claw that shopguy sent me after, used it to unlock a door, found another, tougher draugr - just one this time, thankfully, so we killed it pretty easily - and found a rock. Well, tablet really. It looked like some kind of map. I decided to keep it - maybe I can sell it to somebody later.

Oh, and I found a wall with dovahzul writing. I learned a new word. Kinda weird, it just sorta jumped off the wall and into my brain. Maybe we can have a chat with Nunca Martin about this later? And on the way out, I found a _skull._ Just a skull, probably from one of the mannish races, chilling out on a pedestal. Sparky said to leave it be, but I'm bringing it with me. It's name is Jim now. It just kinda looks like a Jim, you know? Jim's my buddy.

Love you,

Meri


	4. Last Seed, 20th, 4E 201

So as soon as I come back to Riverwood, everything goes wild. First off, some idiot in too-heavy armor tries to recruit me to the Dawnguard - apparently they're vampire hunters? Yeah, because I'm gonna go hunt down and kill all of my distant cousins. No thanks. _Then_ a group of hired thugs show up and try to murder me! Right in front of my ducklings! How _dare_ they! So I murder them all to death, and apparently I stole something from their boss? I don't remember doing that. Whatever.

_THEN_ these idiots have the _gall_ to try and make me play _matchmaker._ NO THANK YOU, SIR, I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR CONFESSION. LEAVE ME OUT OF IT. The mushiness is gross. Besides, all that happens when romance is involved is one person developing a case of Feelings for somebody else who inevitably dies or is killed or leaves or otherwise gets separated. It never ends well.

Anyway, then we went to Whiterun to talk to whats-his-name about the dragon. _I_ was gonna put it off for a while, but Sparky insisted it had to happen _now._ Why did I agree to play messenger girl, again? Anyway, as soon as I get to Whiterun to talk to Bossface, he hands me off to his court wizard who tries to send me _back_ to Bleak Falls Barrow, apparently for the same rock I already picked up. I think I startled him by already having it on me.

Literally as soon as I get done with that, someone starts screaming about a dragon. So I get sent with the group to kill it (I took down a _dragon_ with my _daggers,_ Mama!), and apparently Nunca Martin was right. I _am_ Dragonborn. Souls taste weird. You should try one sometime.

But OHMYFAMILY, it was worth it! Bossface gave me this woman Lydia as a minion in return for killing the dragon. Yeah, I'm calling her Axes. Og, I'm also supposed to go talk to the Greybeards at High Hrothgar, but honestly, screw that. It's _boring._ I'll do it _later._ For now, I'm gonna go North. And once I have 5,000 gold, I'm gonna buy the house Bossface offered to sell me. It'll be nice to have a base.

Love you,

Meri


	5. Last Seed, 21st, 4E 201

So I started off my day by finding this crazy jester guy on the side of the road, going on about his mother. I thought he might be one of yours, so I decided I'd be nice, and convinced the farmer who lives nearby to help repair the wagon wheel. The jester was so grateful he even gave me some gold. _Nice!_ He's kinda familiar thought - have I seen him around home before? Or is he one of you and Papa's brothers? Eh.

So once that was done, I realized that Sparky wasn't with us. I couldn't remember when he disappeared, but I don't remember seeing him in the same space as Axes, so it must have been pretty soon after she joined up. I was actually getting kind of stressed out that I couldn't find him. So I started searching around the area, and, well...

I found Marcurio. Sparky. I don't even know what to call him right now. I'm such a disaster. I want to hug him and wrap him up in blankets and put him somewhere safe, but at the same time I want to scream and just _shake_ him until he understands that he's _mine,_ he's not allowed to put himself in danger! Ugh. He was at the very end of Shimmermist Cave; I'm glad I had the foresight to leave Axes and the ducklings outside.

I originally only left them because I wanted to sneak through and scout the area first, and I didn't trust Axes' heavy armor. But when I found him...

Bandits brought him here. I'm not sure where, when, or how they managed to catch him, but they must have thought he had a wealthy employer and been looking for ransom. Idiots just tried holing up in the first cave they found - I bet as soon as they realized how difficult it is to keep a mage imprisoned. Too bad for those idiots the cave leads into a Dwemer room and a Falmer cave. The bandits were all dead in the first room.

It looked like Marcurio managed to get tot he last room; he was holed up in a Falmer tent with a barricaded entrance when I got there. He... he really wasn't much better off than the bandits.

I completely lost it, Mama. I don't even clearly remember what happened after that, I was just so angry. He's _mine,_ how dare they take him, how dare they touch him, how dare they almost take him away from me forever! I killed them all. The bandits were already dead, like I said, but all the Falmer, all the Chaurus, the spiders, even a Dwarven Centurion. Anything that might have possibly been responsible for a single mark on him. Every living thing in that cave that wasn't me and wasn't him. I didn't feel a single wound I got in the whole mad rush. I didn't _think_ until they were all dead.

... I think Sparky is scared of me now. I don't like it.

Love you,

Meri


	6. Last Seed, 22nd, 4E 201

Okay, so, I got a letter a few days ago from this guy Herbert Lelles, who wants me to meet him in the Old Whiterun Sewers. Mildly unusual, but hey, interesting. So when I showed up to talk to him, of _course_ he ruined it by being one of the most boring people on the planet. _Ugh._ He wants me to find out why an ancestor of his left Cyrodiil during the Oblivion Crisis. Um, maybe _because_ of the Oblivion Crisis? Any ideas, Mama?

Yeah, so he sent us to a Dwemer ruin that we had to get to through a mine. This mine was crawling with bandits, and right on the Cyrodiil border. What in Oblivion. Seriously, it was _way_ too much work to get to that place. And what did we find? A skeleton and a journal. That's literally it. Although this merchant guy _did_ apparently meet you, Mama.

Actually, it's kind of a shame he's dead. It would have been fun to meet someone who knew you when you were mortal. Other than Nunca Martin, I mean - it can be hard to separate him from Aka sometimes. But this guy _was_ from the mannish races, so I don't know what I was expecting.

Oh well. I have bigger concerns right now. Goldie sprained his ankle on the way down into the ruin, which I can only do so much for with potions and Healing Hands. It really just needs time.

...

Hey, I'm back! So I brought the journal back to the guy in the sewers. He gave me some new job to do, I don't know, I was more concerned with Goldie. Sparky was listening though, I'll ask him later. Oh, and I sold enough of my garbage that I managed to get 5,000 gold. I'm gonna go buy that house so we have somewhere to stay while Goldie's ankle heals up.

Love you,

Meri


	7. Last Seed, 25th, 4E 201

Okay, so, I have a house now. It's small, and we probably won't stay here very often, but just knowing I have it takes a huge weight off my shoulders. Goldie's pretty much good to go now, too.

In unrelated news, I may have a problem. See, there's this beggar girl in Whiterun who asked me for a coin when I went to buy the house, and I just... who just lets a child rot on the streets?! I offered to take care of her, said I was an active adventurer and laid out all of the risks, and she _jumped_ at the chance! Poor girl seems pretty starved for affection.

So when I mentioned we'd be leaving soon, Sparky started saying that I needed to look for another mercenary. Now, he's been... kind of _skittish_ around me since the Shimmermist disaster, and I thought he meant he'd had enough and I needed to find a replacement because he was going home. I didn't want him to go. He's _mine._ But... I didn't want to keep him by force, he would be miserable, so I was going to go along with it. Even travel back to Riften to make sure he got there safe. And... I may have cried. I may have cried a _lot._

Turns out I should have asked more questions. He wants me to hire an _additional_ mercenary, not a _replacement,_ because he's not confident he and Axes can protect all these ducklings I keep collecting without more help. He says I should try to keep at least as many adults as children in the party, and should look for at least one more mercenary to hire. With the rate I'm collecting orphans, I don't think his ratio is going to work out.

But I'll try, if it'll make him more comfortable. I'll hire as many additional hands as he wants. Just as long as he stays here. Anyway, he says Windhelm is a good place to pick up mercs, so we're gonna head there.

Love you,

Meri


	8. Last Seed, 27th, 4E 201

Mama, it has been a DAY. First off, right as we get to Windhelm - which was _very_ late at night, might I add - when all I want to do is go rent a couple inn rooms for me and my party, we're attacked by a dragon. A freaking _dragon._ What in _Oblivion,_ Mama!

Oh, it's dead now. Don't worry. I killed it super dead. ... It hurt Magelet. My third duckling. It had to die for that, if nothing else. Do you think I might have overreacted? All it really did was knock her over with the draft from its wing, but she was _terrified._ It made her scream. So it needed to die. Would you have done it, if you cared about her like I do? If I _were_ her?

Anyway, moving on. So we went to the main inn, Candlehearth Hall, and we hired this mercenary like Sparky wanted. Continuing the trend of nicknaming the adult minions after their primary weapon of choice, I call him Greatsword. _Then_ we ended up having to split up - the owner subscribes to Windhelm's greater racism problem, and refuses to rent to the merish races. So I left enough gold for everybody else to rent in Candlehearth Hall, and _I_ had to go find the New Gnisis Corner Clob, a Dunmer establishment in the slums.

Guess who I found there? Yeah, a little Nord girl, sleeping outside in the freezing snow. Turns out she's an orphan who sells flowers to try to get by. You can see where this is going, right? She's mine now, my duckling number four. My Flower Girl.

Okay, so at this point it's still, like, midnight. So I go back to looking for the corner club - Flower Girl is a huge help in that regard - and I end up getting into a brawl with this extra-racist Nord right by the door. I was _gonna_ leave him be, but the moment he brought you into it, Mama... I saw red. I didn't kill him, but only because Flower Girl was there.

So the next morning (that's today), I track down the rest of my group and introduce them to Flower Girl. Sparky was _not_ impressed, but he shut up after I asked if he thought we should just leave her here to freeze to death. Now, as we're just exploring the city, I overhear this argument - something about a boy, Aventus Aretino, performing the Black Sacrament. I can't just leave that alone!

So I go to investigate. And what do you know, it's true! He sends me off to kill the lady in charge of Honorhall Orphanage in Riften - apparently she's a horrid woman. I'm gonna go kill her for him, and when I come back I'm taking him away from here and bringing him with me. He'll be called Bones.

And _then,_ as we leave Windhelm, I notice someone following us. I give them about half an hour, let us get a few miles from the city, then confront them. And what do I find? A little Nord boy so desperate to be an adventurer instead of whatever his parents want him to be that he ran away from home and followed us into the wilderness. I couldn't turn him away, not when he'd just get himself hurt running off again. He's called Tide.

Anyway, I think that's it for today. Love you,

Meri


	9. Last Seed, 28th, 4E 201

What in _Oblivion._ Mama, are you trying to tell me something? I realize it's a mother's prerogative to want grandchildren, but I have _five_ ducklings already, plus one more in waiting. Did you really need to double the number? I refuse to believe you had _no_ part in this, okay?

So I went back to Riften to kill Grelod for the boy, Bones, but the other woman who worked at Honorhall just ran away. She _ran away,_ Mama! She didn't even _try_ to protect the kids - if I'd been after them, they would all be dead by now! I can't just leave them with her, now when she won't protect them. ... Why am I like this, Ma? Why does the very _thought_ of leaving a child where they might get hurt, through negligence or intent, make my heart race? Why does it make my head spin?

Anyway, I'm bringing them all with me. Tarla, Hroar, Samuel, Runa, and Francois. I'll have to see what armor I can dig up before we have to leave again. _And_ start looking for another merc or two, I need to make sure these kids are safe.

...

 _Mama!_ I found them! The _real_ Dark Brotherhood! They're here! I have to go see them, I _need_ to. Whatever else I was doing can wait. The ducklings will be alright, Sparky and the lot will look after them. I have family to find!

Love you,

Meri


	10. Last Seed, 31st, 4E 201

Okay, so it's been a couple days. I haven't really had a chance to sit down and write, so it's running together a bit. First off: I'm in the Dark Brotherhood! It's a little strange, since there's no Listener right now, and the Night Mother isn't here, but still. It's so _nice_ to be among family again! I hope I can get as good as you and Papa were. :)

Not counting me, there are seven people here. First is Astrid, the Sanctuary's leader and the one who recruited me. Okay, so you know how I mentioned Bones did the Black Sacrament to get Grelod killed? Since I did the job, and "stole" a contract - even though they weren't answering him - Astrid decided to abduct me in my sleep and drag me out to the middle of nowhere to make up for it by killing another one of their contracts? Not sure how that logic works, but whatever. Anyway, don't get too mad at her, okay? She decided I was good enough to be worth recruiting.

Next is Astrid's husband Arnbjorn. He's kinda grumpy, though that seems to be the wolf-blood in him - he's one of Nunca Cine's. Friendly enough, though; this entire family is pretty friendly once Astrid okays someone, it seems. I think he used to be one of the Companions? Dunno, I'm not about to go asking them about him.

Then there's Babette - she looks like a little girl, but she's actually older than I am on account of being a vampire. Actually, she's older than _you_ are, Mama. About sixty years older. I wander if Papa ever met her. Gabriella is this little sanctuary's alchemist, and a proper Cousin - she's the only other Dunmer I've met outside of Windhelm. At least she's welcoming of the Old Ways.

Next is Festus, the Sanctuary's mage. I don't know much about him, except he used to teach at the College of Winterhold - I should really go check that place out eventually. Oh, and then there's Nazir - he manages the basic contracts and is responsible for the Sanctuary's finances. He's pretty sarcastic. I love his humor. Finally, Veezara. An Argonian and a Shadowscale - the last Shadowscale alive. He seems pretty laid-back, but I haven't gotten to talk to him much.

Like I said, seven people. It feels kind of small, even for a Sanctuary, but when you stop and think that this is the _last_ Sanctuary... this is all that's left of the Brotherhood, Mama. All that's left of the Family.

So anyway, while I was headed out for my first batch of contracts (nothing important, really, just a trio of basic contracts), I found a ghost boy. He seemed pretty miserable, so I offered to escort him to the Hall of the Dead in Windhelm as soon as I finished my jobs. Then when I _made_ it to the city, I found out there was a serial killer hanging around. Fun, right?

It actually wasn't too hard to deal with. A little sneaking around, a little breaking and entering, a lot of talking to people, and an opportunity to stab a man in the market in broad daylight. What's not to love?

Anyway, right at the start of that investigation, I got sent to talk to the Steward. Who is in the Jarl's throne room. And what do I hear but the man himself planning to take over Whiterun (at a truly ridiculous volume, might I add).

Hahahaha. My _home_ is in Whiterun. I'd like to see him _try_ to take over my territory. _I'll destroy him and his entire army if I need to-_

I need a home outside of city walls, somewhere secluded that I can protect, that no-one will take interest in, but still safe enough that I can put my _family_ there if I need to-

Okay, Sparky says I'm not allowed to scribble madly while grinning murderously and clutching the book so hard it's wobbling. Dunno what his problem is, but I'd better go along with it.

Anyway, final discovery: the jester I helped on the road a while back is the _Keeper!_ Mama, the _Keeper!!!_ I'm so excited, I can barely keep a straight face! The Night Mother and her favorite child are _here!_ Right now!

But... there isn't a Listener. Not since you. Not that it was your fault, of course! You didn't exactly _choose_ to leave the Family, after all! But it's been so long, and our dark brothers and sisters have had no-one to share Mother's voice with them.

They don't seem so happy to have Mother here. Most of them are loyal to Astrid - not that I can blame them, really, they've never known what it's like to serve under a Listener. Hopefully Mother will pick one soon so these poor orphans can learn.

Wow, that was pretty long, huh?

Love you,

Meri


	11. Heartfire, 1st, 4E 201

Okay, so, on my way to Markarth for a contract - I needed details from a girl called Muiri - I ran into a couple distractions. Nothing big, you know, just a couple of random suicidal idiots willing to attack a heavily-armed traveling party, a Dwemer ruin, a dragon, _a freaking Mage's College in the middle of the mountains with a portal to a completely unknown island village._

Anyway, the ruin was the most interesting part. Turned out the only way into the ruin itself was by jumping down a massive mineshaft. I didn't think the minions could take a fall like that - they aren't as sturdy as I am. They had to wait up there, while I went down to drag this whiny girl's brother out by the ear. Exploring is supposed to be _fun._

... I don't like being alone.

Still, it was a good chance for them to rest. Sparky kind of blew up at me a few days ago for running everyone ragged - I keep forgetting that I'm made of sterner stuff than most mortals. I've made a note to stop and let them sleep overnight, not just keep running.

So yeah, I jumped down into the ruins, and what do I find but some old Imperial guy hanging himself from a giant tree. I mean, I guessed he was the brother right off. Which, of course, led to the "time shenanigans" conclusion, since I kind of got the impression he was _much_ younger the last time his sister saw him.

Ooo, and then I found the abandoned palace! I _had_ to go take a look. It was a pain getting over the gate, but what kind of explorer would I be if I let _that_ stop me? And I found these weird, shiny, not-scratched-up Dwemer gauntlets. Ugh, it was dark as Apocrypha, though. It was definitely an interesting experience - great stealth practice, too.

It didn't take long before I realized there was a necromancer hanging around. At that point, I completely dropped the exploration part - I had a head to collect. He was stupidly easy to kill, though - he didn't even put up a good fight. At least he's dead again, though, being in the same space as a necromancer lich made my skin crawl.

And _then_ I decided to check out the tower near the entrance, and as soon as I set a foot inside, the lights turned on and some disembodied voice started shouting at me! I mean, _rude!_ I was trying to _stealth,_ sir! I did get to take a few breaks and find some neat perches, though.

Anyway, I gotta go. Love you,

Meri


	12. Heartfire, 3rd, 4E 194?

I know, the question mark is a little unusual. But honestly, I'm not really sure what the date is right now - subjectively, I mean. Ugh. I'm not making any sense. But yeah, I was right. _Time travel._ Have I mentioned that I _hate_ time travel? It messes everything up. Not to mention the implications it has for Nunca Martin, which means I have to hate it on principle.

Anyway, I got dumped seven-ish years back. This place is bright and inhibited now - I don't like it. Oh, and I've been drafted to investigate who's going to break the Dwarves' Law - _"The many shall suffer for the sins of the one" -_ so my entries might get a little bit weird.

* * *

Mama? I don't know what to do. I broke one of the Tenets. I killed one of my dark brothers. But I was in full shrouded armor and he still tried to kill me. Does that make it better or worse? Anyway, he had a letter that said he was sent here to look for a dark brother named Quintus. I'm gonna look for my new brother. He apparently ran away from the family, and I need to know why. Unless he's revoked Sithis, he shouldn't have needed to - if he was just tired of killing, then he could have retired. Everyone retires eventually. Unless he wasn't allowed to? In which case, I need to have words with his Matriarch.

* * *

So I bought a potion off a guy that's supposed to be able to get me out of this place, but... I'm still not in my normal time. I don't want to have to wait it out, and the Jarl agreed to try to help me get back if I do him this favor. Still... I might as well try it. If it doesn't work, no harm done, and if it does I might be able to get some more and help the people who want to leave.

* * *

Ugh! He won't _talk_ to me! I found my dark brother and he won't tell me why he left! I'm trying to _help_ him, does he not understand that? He won't even let me talk long enough to warn him about the people looking for him!

Also, do none of these idiots comprehend that I have people waiting for me outside? I have _eleven_ ducklings waiting for me to come back! Axes is obligated to take care of them if I never come back out, and Sparky would probably stick around (he likes to pretend he's not attached to them, but I can tell it's face), but there's no guarantee that Greatsword without my wallet, and the two of them just aren't enough to protect eleven kids. No, I have to get back. I _will._ Even if I have to find a way out of this city and live the years on my own until I catch up with them.

Ugh, I gotta go. Stupidity is happening. Love you,

Meri


	13. Heartfire, 7th, 4E 194?

Yeah, yeah. I'm just gonna stick with the wibbly dates until I get back to my proper time. Don't laugh at me.

So anyway, I tried the potion. Didn't work. Shocker, right? Ugh. All I want to do is get back to my time, get out of this city, and get back to my minions. I wanna hug my ducklings and tell them a story, give Axes and Greatsword an hour to relax, tuck myself under Sparky's arm and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist for five minutes.

Wait, what? Sparky is _squishy._ Mortal. I shouldn't be relying on him to protect me. It's supposed to be my job to look after him and the other minions. I only hired him to keep me company, because I don't like being alone. That's all. Ugh, see what being alone does to my head?

* * *

Okay, so I went and had a chat with this almost-dead Vigilant of Stendarr. Jerk died mid-conversation. I need more information than "something evil in the tunnels", sir! Still, it can't be anything good if Stendarr is sending his people after it. Anyway, I found a set of shiny Dwemer boots in the guy's house to go with the gauntlets. I'm gonna go ask Brol - the city's Dwemer expert - about them real quick.

He says it should help protect the wearer from a harmful energy in the tunnels. I have half a set - a full set should keep me perfectly safe. Unfortunately, the brute that has the cuirass isn't likely to give it up. Ugh.

* * *

Armor update: I found a shiny Dwemer helmet down in the tunnels, just before the start of the energy field. Unfortunately, even three pieces aren't enough. I'm gonna have to get the cuirass if I want to see what's down there.

... It can't be that bad, can it? I mean, it'll break the law, but the Jarl has already proven that he's willing to create a time portal. I can just start over again, can't I? Besides, it's important.

Love you,

Meri


	14. Heartfire, 3rd, 4E 194? (Again)

I thought it would be okay. I thought it wouldn't be a big deal. I thought, "I can just start over again, where's the harm? I need it, anyway."

I was wrong. I've never been so wrong. There was fire, and it was dark, and the _screaming..._ I've never seen anything like it. I can't _stop_ seeing it. I can still hear their voices, the crackling of the flames, the heavy clanking centurion feet. It was a nightmare, but I was awake. I've never seen people so _scared._ I never want to see anything like it ever again.

I want to go home.

* * *

I scared Gulvar. Why did I insist I was a time traveler? I should have just lied. I knew he wasn't going to believe me. I just want this to be over with.

* * *

Having the same conversations over again is more tiring than I would have thought. In other news, I've killed the looters again. My dark brother still wouldn't just talk to me, despite the full set of shrouded armor. Whatever. Let's get this over with. Tunnels, here I come.


	15. Heartfire, 3rd, 4E 194? (#3)

I failed. There's a being, hidden under the city, enforcing the law. I failed to make him stop. He didn't like me, and I had to kill him and set off the centurions again because I didn't have the right words to stop him. I'm a _madwoman,_ for Mama's sake! I'm not _supposed_ to be good with words!

Everyone died again, and this time it was completely my fault.

I want to go home.


	16. ???

#4

I give up on tracking the date. I don't know how many days I've been down here. I'll try loops, instead. Everything is blurring together. I tried to talk to the Arbiter again, still didn't fix anything. Next time, I'm gonna try following the Jarl's advice and investigate.

* * *

#5

Killing someone down in the mines does _not_ prevent the Law breaking and getting everyone killed. Apparently. This one's on the Jarl.

* * *

#9

I have a new habit. As soon as I'm done talking to the Jarl, I climb up on top of that central tower to sit for a few minutes and think. I feel like I should be more upset than I am. Wasn't I more upset the first time? I haven't stopped being horrified by the situation after the Law breaks, but I'm so tired I can't be bothered to do anything that isn't essential.

* * *

#11

If you take someone out to the hallway and kill them, the Law doesn't break. The Arbiter can't see the tunnels. I followed the Jarl's prompting again and killed Gulvar. I... I hurt, a little, somewhere deep in my chest. Less than I should, and I feel like that should bother me more than it does. Maybe I'm just too tired to feel properly right now. At least I know that I remember how to kill someone kindly. Quickly, painlessly - he wouldn't have even felt my knife before he died.

* * *

#21

It didn't work. I killed him for nothing. I killed _all of them_ for nothing. It doesn't matter who I kill, or how many - nothing happens until the Law is broken, and then the Jarl makes the portal and I step back through to the 3rd of Heartfire, 4E 194, and everything starts over again.

* * *

#27

I tried a little more of an investigative tactic this time. I don't like the results it got me. The Jarl is keeping some poor woman locked up in his tower, and I can't help her. I tried to set her free, but she tried to kill the Jarl and I need him alive to make the portal. I had to kill her. I still remember the feel of her neck snapping under my hands. Why does this place get under my skin like nothing else?

* * *

#30

Telling her husband doesn't help, either. I just can't free her. It breaks the timeline.

* * *

#???

I had a new idea. I did everything I could this time, because it might be the last. I went to the palace and killed the necromancer, I got the books for Brol, I let the Breton scholar in the Citadel study my armor, I started helping Dooley look for the treasure his brother left (this time I made up the results; I can't set the woman free again yet), I even tried my best to make friends with everyone. I want them to remember me fondly.

Then I headed down the tunnels to face the Arbiter again. Except this time, I wasn't empty-handed. This time, I brought his helmet with me - I nabbed it after I killed him last loop. Maybe he has some sense of self-preservation, even if he won't listen to my argument. Maybe being confronted with proof of his own demise at my hands if he doesn't play along will be enough.


	17. Heartfire, 3rd, 4E 201 (Again)

I'm home. I'm home, I'm home, I'm _home!_ But... for my minions here, it's only been an hour, maybe. There's no sense in stressing them out with a problem that's already been fixed, so I just... didn't say anything. Sparky and Axes were giving me funny looks all day, but they didn't speak up, so...

Hold it together, Meri. You can do it. Just breathe, and don't think about the fire. _Don't think about it._ Just focus on how happy you are to have your ducklings back. You can do that, can't you?

I tried. I really did. And I think I did fairly well, at least when I was with everyone. But once we'd made camp for the night, Sparky left Axes and Greatsword to get the ducklings in bed and dragged me off to talk. I guess it was too much to hope he wouldn't notice. My hair is longer, for Mama's sake! I didn't realize just how odd it would look - to me, it's a natural progression of time, but to them I came out with hair twice as long and a handful of new scars.

As soon as it was just Sparky and me, I broke. I cried more that I've ever cried in the rest of my life put together, except for maybe when I thought Sparky was leaving. Why do I always cry around him? Ugh. Something to analyse another time. I told him everything - it was like I physically couldn't stop the words pouring out once I started. The time loop, the brother's suicide, the Dwarves' Law, the dark and the _fire_ when I first broke the Law, how small and miserable I felt when I kept failing and how that eventually faded into exhaustion.

How I can still hear them screaming and dying, still see the crackling flames when I close my eyes, still feel the earth tremble under the weight of the massive centurions. How tired and frustrated I got when I had to do the same things over and over again, and how it turned into a habit and I almost stopped caring. How much I just wanted everything to be over, to be able to come home.

How much I wanted you here, Mama. But that... that was what finally shocked him into a reaction. He looked like I'd stabbed him. I can't describe how much that look on his face hurt, knowing I'd put it there. Then he asked me how old I was.

It seemed kind of random, but it meant I didn't have to think about the fire, so I told him the truth: a hundred and ninety. He asked how that compared to the mannish races, and there's no exact comparison, so I told him you and I figured I was developmentally about the same as a normal Dunmer in their early forties, so around early teens for the mannish races, but that it's impossible to be sure since I'm one of a kind.

I've never seen him look so horrified. Then he hugged me, and Mama, he was _shaking._ I actually thought he was gonna start crying, like me. I still don't really get why he was so upset, but when he tucked me under his arm just like I'd imagined down in the city, I felt safer than I have since coming to Mundus. I think I must have fallen asleep on him; I was so tired, and I'd worn myself out even more with all the crying. I don't remember anything concrete after that, just the understanding that I was safe, and warm, and protected.

I love you, Mama, _so much,_ but I think I'm starting to fall in love with this little family of mine as well. What am I going to do when this adventure is over and it's time for me to come home?

Love you,

Meri


	18. Heartfire, 4th, 4E 201

So after that little… distraction… I’ve gotten back on track. We made it to Markarth and picked up the contract - now it’s off to a dwemer ruin whose name I cannot pronounce or spell to kill a guy. Oh, but before I could leave the city, I ran into this Vigilant of Stendarr who thought a Daedra worshipper was using an abandoned house as a base. He wanted help looking through it, and I thought it would be funny. I left the minions and ducklings outside, though.

The guy is an idiot. If you hear something moving in an uninhabited building, you LEAVE. Unless you’re me, because I’m amazing! Anyway, he didn’t get a clue until things started flying around without any visible cause - when it was too late to leave, of course.

And _ohmyfamily,_ this next bit was _amazing._ So this voice starts booming through the house, insisting that only one of us could live, and get this, it was Nunca Bal! He didn’t recognize me at all - he even trapped me in his altar after I pretended to kill the vigilant.

Aunts and Uncles, Nunca Bal is such a _drama queen._ The whole reason he was “catching” someone was to deal with a sibling rivalry between him and Nonna Thia. Ugh. I’ll get to it when I get to it. He _owes_ me for freaking out my minions, though - it took forever to calm them down after I came out all bloody and messy.

Anyway, like I said, I only pretended to kill the Vigilant - you’ve taught me enough tricks to fool Nunca Bal, Mama - so I brought the guy with me. He _does_ owe me his life, and it’ll be funny to see how long it takes him to realize he’s serving a Daedric Prince. Alright, I should probably get back to that contract now.

Love you,

Meri


	19. Heartfire, 5th, 4E 201

HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?

So I’m just in a Dwemer ruin, working on a contract for the Brotherhood. You know the one, I’ve mentioned it before. Well, I kill the mark and his minions, and what do I find but another kid? His name’s Valun. Not sure what I’m gonna nickname him yet, I’m still trying to get the last set straight. I mean, I got five at once. Cut me some slack.

Now that I’ve seen him better light, I absolutely couldn’t have left him there. Mama, he’s Altmeri. He wouldn’t last a day in Skyrim - the Nords would kill him on day one, never mind that he’s a _child._

I’ve gotta figure this out. And find a safe home for all of my minions - nowhere I have access to right now is big enough for everyone, and I’m not splitting them up.

Anyway, sorry this one is short, but I gotta go.

Love you,

Meri


	20. Heartfire, 7th, 4E 201

Mama, I don’t know what to do. Astrid is ordering me to spy on Cicero. She explicitly commanded me to hide in the Night Mother’s coffin to do so - to disrespect her and her favorite child. Astrid is ordering me to break one of the tenets, but disobeying her breaks a different one! What am I supposed to do?

… I think I need to obey Astrid. I’ll be careful, I’ll try not to actually touch or disturb the Night Mother’s body, I’ll just stand as close to the door as I can and listen. I’m sorry, I don’t want to, but please, please forgive me. Mama, Papa, Mother, please. I’ve already been forced to break one tenet - is it just once, or is it more times than I can count? Does Mother track broken tenets through time loops? - I don’t want to willingly break another.

At least if Astrid is ordering me to act, the blame falls on her shoulders. And… I think Astrid might kick me out if I don’t, and I can’t stand the thought of losing my Family. Mother is more likely to forgive me than Astrid is. And if I’m kicked out, I can’t work to bring my brothers and sisters back to the Old Ways.

* * *

Mama?

Mother spoke to me. I’m the new Listener - the first one since you. She gave me a job, and… and she told me not to worry about breaking the Tenets - either under Astrid’s orders, or defending myself from a rogue dark brother. And now that I’m Listener, she says they don’t even apply to me anymore. … I think I’ll try to follow them anyway. I have to be an example for my brothers and sisters.

Mama… I felt so safe. Locked up in her coffin, I felt just the way I do when you wrap me up in your arms and pick me up - like the whole world has disappeared but us, and nothing could possibly harm me because I’m in the presence of _power,_ and power loves me. When the doors swung open and Cicero saw me there, he was so angry, but it didn’t frighten me. 

He didn’t believe I was the Listener at first - I know the Old Ways, I could have been making it up - but I had the words Mother told me and he had to accept I was telling the truth. Oh, but once he knew I was the Listener, he was so excited! It was adorable, really. Even though he’s technically older than me, chronological ages aside, I keep thinking of him as a _younger_ brother. He certainly acts like one.

But Mama, I don’t understand. I know we call her Mother, I know she’s supposed to _be_ our Mother, but… I didn’t realize that I would love her like I do you, especially this fast. And… I know one of our rules is “No mother but the Night Mother”, but I won’t give you up. Actually… I don’t think I’ll have to. You’re just as devoted to her as I am, after all.

Love you,

Meri


	21. Heartfire, 10th, 4E 201

UGH.

So I was just running around trying to get to wherever it is I’m supposed to be going - Morthal, I think - and what do I run into but a talking dog. And not just _any_ talking dog, no, but Barbas. Of course Nunca Vic wants to talk _now._ He couldn’t have just said his piece when Sparky and I were already _there?_

Once more, _UGH._ And of course, neither of them recognized me. That makes, what, four of my family members who’ve failed to recognize me? I’m starting to think you’ve disguised me, Mama. But why?

Of course this whole mess is because Nunca Vic and Barbas had another falling out. Why is my _entire_ family made up of drama queens? Anyway, I talked to them, Nunca Vic sent me off to reclaim an axe, business as usual. 

So then I finally made it to Morthal for my contract, and what happens but _pouring rain._ Sparky insisted that the ducklings would get sick if I took them hiking in that, so now we’re stuck until the weather lets up. I keep forgetting about mortal limitations.

The worst part is that I can’t even kill my target until the rain stops! Sure, I could _probably_ be sneaky enough about it that no-one blames me, but the last thing I want is to be holed up in a place where I just murdered a guy - especially when I’m the only newcomer.

Oh, it sounds like the rain’s stopping. I should probably go kill that guy, then get a move on before the weather starts up again.

Love you,

Meri


	22. Heartfire, 13th, 4E 201

I am gonna _lose my mind._ Seriously, I’m still trying to do Nunca Vic’s job - I’ve got the axe he wants, but I haven’t gone back yet - Nunca Bal’s is somewhere on the to-do list, and now Nonna Dia wants me to do a job too? WHAT GIVES. Do I _look_ like a minion? Ugh, forget this. I’m gonna take the axe back to Nunca Vic and then I’m gonna go back to contracts for the Dark Brotherhood. The others can wait.

Oh yeah, I also picked up another duckling. She’s a Bosmer, her name is Gael. I’m calling her Greenie. She’s a little merchant girl, but has no idea where her parents are. And the guy she was staying with is unrelated to her and _super_ creepy, so she was MORE than happy to come with me.

* * *

Aunts and Uncles! We have a contract on the Emperor of Tamriel! Mama, this is gonna be _great!_

Love you,

Meri


	23. Heartfire, 19th, 4E 201

Oh. My. Family.

Astrid - she taught me a spell, for doing so well when I killed Vittoria. It let me summon “a legend of the dark brotherhood” to help me out in battle. At first, I didn’t know who he was - just a former Brother who’s good with knives and loves to talk.

Then the things he talked about started sounding familiar. I didn’t realize who he was until he started talking about That Place. Applewatch. And then he mentioned Bellamont, and the Purification, and half a dozen little things ripped straight from the stories you told me.

Mama, what do I say? I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t know. He can’t know - I didn’t know what I reminded him of at first, but now I know he looked at me and he saw you. But I look so much like you, Mama, that I don’t think he saw any of himself - he must have thought I was your child with someone else.

Ha, and what would I even say? “Hi, I’m your daughter by the love of your life, except she’s Sheogorath now and oops, I’m actually a Daedric Prince and not a mortal?” I met the man by complete accident!

… Did he even want me? Did you two ever talk about kids? I don’t know. I like to think he wanted me - he looks upset whenever I mention family, but I don’t know if that’s because he thinks someone else is my father, or just because he doesn’t like talking about family. I don’t know him. That’s eighty percent of the problem.

I… I can’t do this right now. I have too much else to focus on. I’m keeping him summoned - no _way_ am I giving up his presence after so long - but I can’t tell him. Not yet. It’ll have to wait. I want to talk to you before I tell him the truth. I wish you were here right now. I miss you, a lot.

Love you,

Meri


	24. Heartfire, 20th, 4E 201

Mama, what is _wrong_ with adults in this land?! Here I am, minding my own business and just trying to get to Whiterun so I can murder a guy for the Dark Brotherhood. Now, to get to Whiterun from where I’m at, I have to pass through this little place called Rorikstead. Fine, I can work with that, small settlements are charming.

But I _immediately_ run into this farmer Lemkil, who happens to be downright _abusive_ towards his two daughters. Everyone here knows it, it seems, but no-one is willing to make him stop. And then one of the girls, Britte, turns around and heaps that abuse right back on her younger twin, Sissel.

Well you know what? Screw that. That _man,_ this _place,_ the culture that says no-one can interfere, I’m done. Those girls are coming with me, and I am _protecting them,_ and Britte will have to shape up or get left in town with a caretaker.

Ugh. How can _anyone_ treat children like that? Children, family… nothing is more important. The family _has_ to come first, and he was spitting on the very concept! … I did leave him alive, but if I hear so much as a word from one of my ducklings that he’s given them trouble I’m introducing his throat to my knife.

Love you,

Meri


	25. Heartfire, 26th, 4E 201

… Mama? According to Astrid, Cicero lost it and attacked her, and Arnbjorn and Veezara when they got in the way. I don’t believe that’s the full story, not for a second. Astrid never liked having Mother here - she didn’t like having her authority challenged. All I can think is, “what did she do to set Cicero off?”.

She wants me to kill him, Mama. I can’t kill one of my brothers. I won’t. It’s not like the City, where he was trying to kill me and wouldn’t stop and I didn’t know him. This is _Cicero._ I _do_ need to check on Arnbjorn, though, and check on Cicero and get his side of the story, too. I hoped Astrid would come to her senses, but if she won’t, she’ll have to be replaced.

Papa keeps going on about how I should decide who I trust more - Astrid or Mother. Doesn’t he already know I could never choose a pretender over my family? He might not know we’re related, but he ought to know _me_ better than that.

Astrid is going to have to pay. Mama, she can’t stay here. She rejects and insults the Night Mother, the Tenets, everything about our ways. She was not raised in the Family, as I was, nor welcomed into it by a group held by a true Listener, as you were. Now, as Listener, it is my responsibility to ensure that our brothers and sisters stay loyal - no matter what it takes.

Mama, I don’t understand. I just want to talk to Cicero, I’m not going to hurt him, but the sanctuary guardians are reacting like I’m an intruder. Can they not sense Mother’s hand over me? Or have they gone mad in this isolation? Either way, I must defend myself.

Mama, there’s so much blood. He had _better_ be okay when I get to him, or I’ll kill Astrid _slowly._ He and Astrid are telling the same tales - Cicero was defending Mother from Astrid. I don’t think Astrid knows I’m so old-fashioned, or she would hold her tongue a bit better. Either way, once I get to Cicero I’m going to hug him and _shake him_ and feed him a health potion, and everything will be alright. Won’t it?

… Cicero doesn’t know I’m old-fashioned, either. He thinks I’m coming to kill him. Ma, my own brother thinks I’m hunting him down to end his life.

… I gotta go.

Love you,

Meri


End file.
